Having the Perfect Life

by Suzanne Kovi

How do you have the perfect life? Drop all your ideals and standards! Yes, I know this sounds a little absurd when we live in difficult times. This is when we should keep our ideals and standards, right? We need to hold on to our vision of what we want our lives to look like so we don't lose hope. Well, I would like to challenge that way of thinking and I have good reason.

I have always had this vision of the perfect life. The perfect job, the perfect body, the perfect family and like most women, the perfect spouse. A few days ago I saw Marley and Me, and beside the fact that the Jennifer Aniston’s GQ magazine is still in the house and her less than perfect body looms in my magazine basket, I loved her representation of real life. She and Owen Wilson captured the true essence of what a loving and passionate marriage looks like to me. They captured it so perfectly that even my husband cried, but he cried for another reason. There is a moment in the movie where the couple comes home after finding out that they miscarried their first child. The impact that it made on them was real, at least it was real for my husband and me. As we watched this scene unfold, we were reminded of the exact moment we came home from finding out our first baby was not going to be. The looks on the actors faces mirrored our looks, their actions mirrored our actions. It was so perfect a representation that even their home looked like ours and the film was made in the town we lived in at the time. Too spooky! For us, it was a slice of American Pie...our American Pie. So how did this experience of watching a multi million dollar film, as well as two of Hollywood's most sought after actors have to do with having the perfect life without ideals? I’m glad you asked.

Last night I saw a glimpse of what I have been creating for my life and why my life has not been working. I have been very successful as a performer most of my life. I didn’t work professionally until I was in my early 30’s, but none the less, my entire life I have been scripting my existence. I was a pro at molding myself to fit the crowd. I fit in where ever I went. The master magician, but here is the clincher, I always felt like a fake. What does that tell the world? It tells the world that I am not ready to receive what I ask for in life. How can life give you what you want, if you can’t be real? It’s like shooting a moving target. Last night, I felt the air come out of me, when I realized what I didn’t realize. I wept. It’s like saying goodbye to that little child I had inside of me, once again. But this time, I knew the blessing immediately. It became clear to me why my life wasn’t working. I was trying to live according to the ideal image of who I should be. I was living my life based on standards for myself that are unattainable. I should be successful, I‘m well educated. I should be fit and strong, I was a personal trainer. I should be unstoppable and courageous, I am in personal development. Nothing should phase me. My ideals have kept me prisoner. So I tell you, drop those ideals and standards and allow yourself to be present with yourself. You are whole and complete without all the rules. But if you drop your ideals and standards, what are you left with? Do you let go of your dreams? No Way! Now you can live them!

What do ideals give you? They give you an image of what life should look like in your eyes. Ideals allow you to reach for something beyond your current circumstances and seek to reach a more fulfilling life. This is all good stuff! Keep a hold of those dreams, but let go of the standards that prevent all those great things from coming to you. When you hold yourself to the ideal image of how things should be, and then those things don’t turn out that way we think they should, we make life wrong; we make people wrong; we make ourselves wrong. If you always feel like you’re wrong how can you get what you ask for? Remember, you’re wrong! 

I love this quote - “Life will give you anything you ask of it, so long as you ask intelligently” Tony Robbins. Think about this, where do your ideals and standards keep you? They keep you out of reach of reality. They keep you from seeing what is in front of you. Every time you focus on the ideal image of how life should be, you set yourself up for disappointment. Manifesting an ideal image is only available in the movies. This is why we love the movies so much in this country. We get to escape into another world and for a couple of hours we get a glimpse of what our lives might look like. Of course movies like The Terminator are not the ideal movies I am referring to. Here are some major ares in our lives where we hold an ideal and the impact it can make:

The ideal job: when you see your boss, your co-workers and your rewards within an ideal, you shut down the other possibilities for improvement. Your job can flourish if you remain open to the “what if’s”

The ideal relationship: this should have been number 1 right? Only if it fits your ideal. If you have preconceived notions of how a person should act, you shut down open and trusting communication. Allow others to be true to themselves and live freely within that existence

The ideal body: your answers are not on the cover of people. Your ideal image of what you should look like could be keeping you from loving who you see in the mirror everyday. Keep in mind, people don’t see our flaws, they are invisible to them.

The ideal partner: this will leave you without one. If you do have a partner and they don’t fit your ideal, you may be setting yourself up to living a life unfulfilled. They can not be everything you think they should be, they can only be themselves. Here is where the power lies; you can choose to change you and be better within the relationship.

I’m sure some of you may be thinking, “Ok, I can see where ideals may get in the way, but my standards! How can you say let go of my standards! Should I just let chaos take over and everything falls to pot!” Now there is a scary thought...letting go, where will that lead you? Could it be possible that it might lead you to a more peaceful way of being? I agree, letting go of all our standards will not make our life work. I am referring to the standards that make life difficult for you to enjoy. Standards that make others wrong and you always right, the standards that prevent you from moving forward with your dreams because “they’re just not good enough.” I am writing this article because of a new commitment to myself, to live beyond my ideals and standards of how I should be. To live with courage inside my world of being a women, spouse, mother and entrepreneur. This article would not be here today, if I let my ideals and standards rule my life.

Do I want to have the beautiful marriage that I see across the big screen? Sure, I can’t think of any woman that wouldn’t want that, but it’s our own ideals and standards of how life should be that may be preventing that from happening. Do I have the ideal marriage, yes I do because now I see it as being whole and complete, right where it stands. Now I can be present and when you are present in your life, now you have something to work with. Of course the Jennifer Aniston GQ magazine can get thrown out. I’m 42, she has nothing on me...so my husband says!

Suzanne Kovi is the founder of Ignite Your Life

Courageous Coaching for Women who Want More Out of Life.

Good evening,
Do you know when to say when? Do you recognize when there is a need to step back and take your sights off of what you want to do and where you want to be, and put them else where? This was a day to learn those lessons.
Today was a day to develop that courageous communication I always talk about that is essential in all relationships. As a wife and mother as well as an entrepreneur, I was reminded of my true place in life. My son is a gift in many ways and today was an example of how great a teacher these kids can be when we leave our stuff behind and take a moment to breathe in their life.
We have a routine in our home that is designed to make the transition from school to home and from my work day into a mommy day. Yes, it can be a lot to juggle, which is why we need routines more than our kids do, especially when we have multiple goals that drive us through out the day. Today was a goal shifting moment and a gift to bond with my son. He has been having challenges with his school work, not unlike many second graders in the midst of learning many new things as well as taking on new responsibilities. His school work and challenges have weighed on my heavily...to the point of tears. He's getting average grades, he is very popular at school and all the teachers adore him. He is kind, respectful and outgoing, a true dream for a parent. But what tends to rear its ugly head is my background baggage that I thought was gone. As I said, thank goodness for kids as they are our greatest teachers.
At dinner tonight in the middle of silent tears, and as my son was playing in the other room, I voiced my concerns to my husband about our son's school "issues". The truth was that he didn't have any issues, but I did. My husband even asked him, "how is it going buddy" and in my son's smiling reply he said "it's all cool Dad." It came to me, he doesn't see a problem and what I saw was that his lack of performance was a direct reflection on my ability as a mother to provide for him. I know many of you may not feel this way, but moms tend to carry the weight of our child's world on our shoulders. Its true, but how can you carry theirs and yours...you can't . People cannot be in a position to help someone else carry their load when their own load is more than they can handle. The truth is that my entire life I have had performance anxiety. I lived my life needing to prove myself in anything I did in order to receive recognition and acceptance. If I felt as though I was doing something less than adequate (which was always) I would create anxiety and this would lead to issues of self worth and the list goes on. Tonight was a window to my own issues and how they were now being transmitted to my son. That is not a good choice. I have always believed that kids are pure of spirit and intentions and it is through the parent or care giver that our children learn how to respond to life. Do they choose for the good or do they choose out of a need or do they choose for survival. It is our job as parents to help them choose for the good of their life. If I never had this awareness today, I would have continued to teach him how to develop the need to "prove himself" in order to be accepted. By me pressing to do better and, without actually saying it, letting him believe that is wasn't good enough, I am repeating history.
He is good enough, and he has so many gifts I can never possess. He is a unique person with a spirit and a purpose in life. It is my job to guide him and help him make the best choices. Does it mean that I plan to let him be a free agent...he plays football right now so this term comes to mind...no it means that I help develop what has been started. The best way for me to do that is to know my child very well through constant conversation and play time and to accept him for his abilities.
I do believe in being firm with our kids in order to help them perform their personal best. I also believe, especially now, that they cannot perform our show. We each have our own stage with our own character and if we stay true to who we are we will be better equipped to work with others and allow them to be who they are. Our kids are key players on our stage. They are the new performers, help them write their own script and be the best directors as they grow into adults. They don't need to perform our show, its out dated anyway.
Good night, and bless our kids!