Having the Perfect Life
by Suzanne Kovi
How do you have the perfect life? Drop all your ideals and standards! Yes, I know this sounds a little absurd when we live in difficult times. This is when we should keep our ideals and standards, right? We need to hold on to our vision of what we want our lives to look like so we don't lose hope. Well, I would like to challenge that way of thinking and I have good reason.
I have always had this vision of the perfect life. The perfect job, the perfect body, the perfect family and like most women, the perfect spouse. A few days ago I saw Marley and Me, and beside the fact that the Jennifer Aniston’s GQ magazine is still in the house and her less than perfect body looms in my magazine basket, I loved her representation of real life. She and Owen Wilson captured the true essence of what a loving and passionate marriage looks like to me. They captured it so perfectly that even my husband cried, but he cried for another reason. There is a moment in the movie where the couple comes home after finding out that they miscarried their first child. The impact that it made on them was real, at least it was real for my husband and me. As we watched this scene unfold, we were reminded of the exact moment we came home from finding out our first baby was not going to be. The looks on the actors faces mirrored our looks, their actions mirrored our actions. It was so perfect a representation that even their home looked like ours and the film was made in the town we lived in at the time. Too spooky! For us, it was a slice of American Pie...our American Pie. So how did this experience of watching a multi million dollar film, as well as two of Hollywood's most sought after actors have to do with having the perfect life without ideals? I’m glad you asked.
Last night I saw a glimpse of what I have been creating for my life and why my life has not been working. I have been very successful as a performer most of my life. I didn’t work professionally until I was in my early 30’s, but none the less, my entire life I have been scripting my existence. I was a pro at molding myself to fit the crowd. I fit in where ever I went. The master magician, but here is the clincher, I always felt like a fake. What does that tell the world? It tells the world that I am not ready to receive what I ask for in life. How can life give you what you want, if you can’t be real? It’s like shooting a moving target. Last night, I felt the air come out of me, when I realized what I didn’t realize. I wept. It’s like saying goodbye to that little child I had inside of me, once again. But this time, I knew the blessing immediately. It became clear to me why my life wasn’t working. I was trying to live according to the ideal image of who I should be. I was living my life based on standards for myself that are unattainable. I should be successful, I‘m well educated. I should be fit and strong, I was a personal trainer. I should be unstoppable and courageous, I am in personal development. Nothing should phase me. My ideals have kept me prisoner. So I tell you, drop those ideals and standards and allow yourself to be present with yourself. You are whole and complete without all the rules. But if you drop your ideals and standards, what are you left with? Do you let go of your dreams? No Way! Now you can live them!
What do ideals give you? They give you an image of what life should look like in your eyes. Ideals allow you to reach for something beyond your current circumstances and seek to reach a more fulfilling life. This is all good stuff! Keep a hold of those dreams, but let go of the standards that prevent all those great things from coming to you. When you hold yourself to the ideal image of how things should be, and then those things don’t turn out that way we think they should, we make life wrong; we make people wrong; we make ourselves wrong. If you always feel like you’re wrong how can you get what you ask for? Remember, you’re wrong!
I love this quote - “Life will give you anything you ask of it, so long as you ask intelligently” Tony Robbins. Think about this, where do your ideals and standards keep you? They keep you out of reach of reality. They keep you from seeing what is in front of you. Every time you focus on the ideal image of how life should be, you set yourself up for disappointment. Manifesting an ideal image is only available in the movies. This is why we love the movies so much in this country. We get to escape into another world and for a couple of hours we get a glimpse of what our lives might look like. Of course movies like The Terminator are not the ideal movies I am referring to. Here are some major ares in our lives where we hold an ideal and the impact it can make:
The ideal job: when you see your boss, your co-workers and your rewards within an ideal, you shut down the other possibilities for improvement. Your job can flourish if you remain open to the “what if’s”
The ideal relationship: this should have been number 1 right? Only if it fits your ideal. If you have preconceived notions of how a person should act, you shut down open and trusting communication. Allow others to be true to themselves and live freely within that existence
The ideal body: your answers are not on the cover of people. Your ideal image of what you should look like could be keeping you from loving who you see in the mirror everyday. Keep in mind, people don’t see our flaws, they are invisible to them.
The ideal partner: this will leave you without one. If you do have a partner and they don’t fit your ideal, you may be setting yourself up to living a life unfulfilled. They can not be everything you think they should be, they can only be themselves. Here is where the power lies; you can choose to change you and be better within the relationship.
I’m sure some of you may be thinking, “Ok, I can see where ideals may get in the way, but my standards! How can you say let go of my standards! Should I just let chaos take over and everything falls to pot!” Now there is a scary thought...letting go, where will that lead you? Could it be possible that it might lead you to a more peaceful way of being? I agree, letting go of all our standards will not make our life work. I am referring to the standards that make life difficult for you to enjoy. Standards that make others wrong and you always right, the standards that prevent you from moving forward with your dreams because “they’re just not good enough.” I am writing this article because of a new commitment to myself, to live beyond my ideals and standards of how I should be. To live with courage inside my world of being a women, spouse, mother and entrepreneur. This article would not be here today, if I let my ideals and standards rule my life.
Do I want to have the beautiful marriage that I see across the big screen? Sure, I can’t think of any woman that wouldn’t want that, but it’s our own ideals and standards of how life should be that may be preventing that from happening. Do I have the ideal marriage, yes I do because now I see it as being whole and complete, right where it stands. Now I can be present and when you are present in your life, now you have something to work with. Of course the Jennifer Aniston GQ magazine can get thrown out. I’m 42, she has nothing on me...so my husband says!
Suzanne Kovi is the founder of Ignite Your Life
Courageous Coaching for Women who Want More Out of Life.
